Friday, August 1, 2014

I don't want to be serenaded


If you are like me then you probably have no clue how to react to a compliment. Do you just say thank you? And then stare at each other? Do you compliment them back? But what if they have nothing you want to compliment? Should you say something sarcastic back? What if they don't get your sense of humor? Should you just stand there awkwardly? But maybe they will want to take back their compliment.


Everyone says they want to be serenaded but let's be honest isn’t that just a ginormous one sided compliment? And hasn't everyone kind of been serenaded by the acapella that is their friends slash family and or classmates or waiters at Red Robin? So maybe they aren't as on tune as these guys.



Most of the time this involves smiling and pretending that you’re not posing for your mom’s pictures and that you're actually ecstatic to be listening to this awesome rendition of happy birthday.



Being serenading becomes huge baggage. No one wants to be known as an ungrateful bitch, and everyone expects you two to be in love or something but what if you don't even like the guy and he happened to stop you on your way to lunch and you're honestly just really hungry and grumpy and then everyone expects you two to be in love even though you don't know the guy or how he even knew where you were going to be at that specific time.



But no, no one cares, because everyone else is so insanely jealous of you even though you would gladly switch places with them right now.

So yes, imagining INSERT FAVORITE SINGER HERE, serenading you seems wonderful, but think about it. If it really came down to it, what would you do with your hands?


Friday, January 3, 2014

My unrealistic expectations for going abroad based on the Lizzie McGuire Movie



Finding love. Sort of.
So since my name is Lizzy (and the spelling is just slightly off) that totally means I am going to relive the Lizzie McGuire movie and find an Italian popstar who will sweep me off my feet. Hopefully my Paolo won't turn out to be a lying lipsinger, but I mean love is blind, (to all those flaws), right?

During my study abroad meeting, my dreams were temporarily crushed when we were forced to write down NO MOPEDs (in caps) in our travel notes. But, as my friend pointed out, they actually said NO RENTING MOPEDs. So that means that I will still be able to ride one if an Italian boy got one for me.


Not gaining weight.
So I am hoping that all this touristy walking is going to prevent me from gaining the study abroad seventy. Oh man, I can't even imagine what I'd look like if I gained seventy pounds. Probably like this.


In this case I will probably eats carbs, even if an Italian boy doesn't buy them for me. Sorry, Kate, I don't have your discipline. I mean how could I resist fresh, homemade pasta...

or tiramisu...

or...

I told myself I was going to eat healthier during Christmas break to compensate for the overeating that is going to occur for the next 5 months, but it's the holidays and I'm not going to say no to mom's mac and cheese or an extra slice of grandma's pie because that's just rude!


Not being an outfit repeater. Well, since we are only allowed to check one bag, to avoid the $10924932490 extra baggage fee, I guess I am going to have to repeat a lot of outfits. I've also done some research on WikiHow and other websites that popped up on Google on how to dress while I'm in Italy. Looks like sweatpants and sneakers aren't socially acceptable, but seeing how they aren't at my school either and I wear them anyway...we'll see how that goes.


According to this website I also need to make sure I don't have "dirty bra straps" since apparently tourists are known for having such things. Who knew.


Saturday, December 14, 2013

8 Gifts a Cat Lover Actually Wants


Does your mom, sister or friend love cats as much as I do? (If your friend is a boy, mind setting us up?) Then no worries, here are some catastic gifts!

These are gifts that, as a cat lover, someone would actually want. Unlike that buzzfeed article. Crafting with Cat Hair? Um no thanks that is weird as fuck.

I've even attached the links for your online shopping convenience!

1. 12 Cats of Christmas

 

(I actually already have this book, so if you were thinking of getting it for me, sorry my neighbor beat ya to it last year)
Buy now!


2. Kitten Oven Mitt

Does she/he love cats? Does she/he love to cook? If you answered yes to both these questions than it would be a sin not to get them one of these. *hint hint, this is on my Pinterest Christmas list
Buy now!


3. Jingle Bell Cat Collar

Don't want your cat going after the partridge in the pear tree? This cute and functional collar should do the trick! The bells will be festive, plus warn any unassuming birdies that your cat is coming!


4. Cat Lint Rollers
They say no outfit is complete without cat hair, but when your cat is white and your outfit is black, sometimes people judge you.
Buy now!


5. Cat Butts Magnets
Your friend probably has cats instead of kids to make them homemade magnets for Christmas so this is the purrrfect gift
Buy now!


6. Cat Fancy Subscription

You can send in pictures of your cutest kitties and win contests, see pictures of weird looking cats, and learn some cat facts! How do I know this? I used to be subscribed to this magazine.
Subscribe now!


7. Aristocats

Cats+ Disney, what could be better?
Buy now!








8. A New Kitty!

If your friend already has all these gifts, then the no-fail gift, is another cat of course! Did you know having pets adds 5 years to your life. So have lots of pets, become immortal. Maybe.
Adopt me!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Why Thanksgiving is Better than Sex (in pictures)

So Thanksgiving is coming up, and it is probably one of the most exciting times of the year because you are allowed to eat 5x your daily caloric intake, and then sleep the rest of the day, and no one will judge you.

Now if these don't make your ...urm.. mouth water, then I don't know what will.

Foreplay aka appetizers and sides
Cranberry sauce gets classy.

What's better than stuffing? Deep fried stuffing.

I will lick that gravy off the side of the dish.

The main event aka the TURKEY
There is such thing as a honeybaked turkey

Or Turducken

Or Tofurky. Whatever you're into.


Cuddling aka dessert
You can caramel pecan my cupcakes

Pumpkin + Oreos = my two favorite flavors (is oreo a flavor? it is now)

Get in my mouth.

It's okay to spike this.

Hopefully you've been able to fill both your emotional void with this #foodporn, and be sure to fill your physical needs by eating everything next Thursday! And, the best part, the only pregnancy scare you'll get is a food baby!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

FOUND: 7 Long Lost Twins

Have you ever wanted to find your long lost twin or your celebrity look a like? Well, luckily for the following seven people, I have already found theirs! For the rest of you, keep looking, unless you want me to find your twin... (probably not after you read this...)

Katy Perry or Zooey Deschanel?

Draco Malfoy or Miley Cyrus?

Candy Crush Girl or Honey BooBoo?

Amy Adams or The Little Mermaid?

Bubbles the powerpuff girl or Lady Gaga in bubbles?

Kim Kardashian or Shamu?

Avril Lavigne or Mr. Seaweed Monster Man?

It's funny because most of these people have created this appearance in order to stand out...well sorry to burst your bubble, but it looks like someone may have beat you to it. At least you have an easy Halloween costume idea?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

10 Struggles of Being a Short Girl

While there are a few good things about being short like buying shoes from the kid's section (so much cheaper), there are also quite a few problems us shorties have to deal with on a regular basis. Here we go.

1. Being an arm rest for all your tall friends.
This girl is still smiling because she hasn't yet figured out that this will soon be a daily happening.

2. Not being able to reach the top shelf.
Or trying not to die when figuring out a way to reach it.

3. Having to pay twice as much for jeans to get them hemmed.
Even the "short" jeans are too long.

4. Being mistaken for being younger than you actually are.
I promise I'm legal!

5. Standing next to a tall guy makes you look like a small child.
He plays basketball in case you were wondering.

6. People trying to pick you up.
Please put me back down. Gently.

7.Sitting behind a tall person in class.
.
K. I guess I won't be taking notes today.

8. Wearing heels in order to be normal height.
And not even having the choice of wearing flats unless you only want the top of your head in all the pictures.

9. Feet are constantly dangling when sitting on anything.
At least they don't have to touch the cold floor?

10. Always being in the front row of pictures or the end of the "Cingular bars."
Guess which one is me!


But anyways, if you're short, embrace it. You won't have to worry about hitting your head on anything and you might be able to get away with ordering off the kid's menu (hello, mac and cheese!)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What my communications class has taught me about life

If you're not attractive, you're out of luck.
In relationships, jobs, you name it. The better looking person is always the winner. We watched this video on how equally qualified people but not equally good looking went for the same job. The attractive person overwhelming got the jobs over the "average" looking person. Now this seems obvious, if they are equally qualified, then there must be some deciding factor, soo... looks. I believe that if a less qualified, but more attractive person went for the job, they would win it over the less attractive, more qualified person.
Also, most jobs that need a face, like sales, marketing, etc. are going to be the better looking people. So if you're homely looking, go be a telemarketer or scientist or something. I think I would rather buy something I don't need from someone who looks like Dave Franco. Or James. Either one is fine.


If you want something you have to be assertive.
We should all be really direct so that we can communicate what we want to communicate. If you want to go on a date with someone you should just ask them instead of asking to borrow their pencil every day. If you want to have sex with them just ask them.

Why yes, yes I do, Dave.
Maybe this seems a little forward but I totally agree. The most annoying situation is when someone asks you to hang out. Like what does that mean??? Does this mean hang out or "hang out" Because sometimes I think hang out means hook up so I actually put makeup on and maybe even shave my legs but then I get there and they want to watch football and I mean that's cool I like football, but I fucking shaved my legs for you. ugh. And then sometimes I want to watch football but then all of a sudden the football on the tv isn't the only ball in front of your face. yikes. That's why people should just be clear so no one gets their hopes up or ends up in an awkward situation. Like I would rather awkwardly reject you now instead of walking all the way to your dorm and then having to leave. I'm too lazy for that shit.


People communicate because they want something from you.
Maybe they don't want like money or stuff from you but they want you to talk back to them, be their friend, get the fuck out of their life, bake cookies with them, etc. I think this pretty much sums up my texting life. But seriously, one of the things I hate is when I get a text that says, What's up. Like I will probably never respond to you if you send me that, or you will get some sort of crude or sarcastic response like, my dick or the ceiling. Also, "What's up" to me is just a sign that you are bored, you're a boring person, or you just don't know what else to say and therefore I really don't want to talk to you. Also, you will never get a "What's up" text from me, and if you do, that means someone took my phone. I think the only thing people want when they text that is the other person to respond so I guess you are giving them happiness, but I guess I'm a bitch and I don't want to give people happiness. I just feel like I'm being used to cure your boredom and I'm not about that life. For instance, I like to fill material needs vs. emotional needs like boredom. Why do I call my parents? (most of the time at least) So they'll send me care packages, pay for my plane ticket home, or not disown me.


We should all over think our interactions with people.
Because every nonverbal cue or interaction means something! What that is, well you'll have to figure that out yourself based on experience, cultural norms, your knowledge of the other person, etc. So say a guy gave you this look:

a)he was so shocked at your beauty he had to take a second look and clear his eyes.
b) your ugliness blinded him for 0.2 seconds so he had to refocus his vision.
c) he had something in his eyes like sparkles or pixi dust
d) he just woke up from a nap

That girl just touched your arm and batted her eyelashes. what does that mean??
a) she wants the D.
b) a guy she actually likes is nearby and she is trying to make him jealous.
c) her friend likes you and she is trying to get on your good side so she can set you guys up.
d) she is just a naturally flirty person and you're no one special.


I can't even include all of the things I've learned and I will probably learn more ridiculous things throughout the semester. Well, I've been writing this instead of looking at my notes so I hope it counts as studying for my test tomorrow.
Peace out, bitches.