Sunday, July 28, 2013

Cooking 101

It has come to my attention that too many young people in this world do not know how to cook.
No, cooking does not include microwaving easy mac (although some people can’t even figure out that you need to put in water before you microwave it (*cough* *cough* Collins 2nd floor) so I am going to comprise a few cooking 101 rules, recipes and just some common sense.

1. Boxed Meals and Desserts

Please, please, please just read the directions. Boxed meals were made for soccer moms, college students and other cooking challenged individuals on a tight budget/schedule.

From brownies to hamburger helper, cooking from a box is pretty easy. All you need is a few fresh ingredients like water, oil, milk or meat, stir it all together and voila! you have yourself some pretty decent food.

            “Homemade brownies”—to make these seem like you didn’t just make these from a boring box and actually have some cooking skills, add other things like chocolate chips or walnuts, or before you put them in the oven squeeze some caramel sauce in lines and then use a fork and make cool designs like this:

You can also frost them after they cool. Tip: use a plastic knife instead of a butter or steak knife, your cuts will come out cleaner!

            Hamburger helper. Brown the meat FIRST. Do not just put all the ingredients in a giant skillet or you will get a greasy soupy mess. Browning hamburger is pretty much just cooking it until all the crumbles are brown and look like this:

Pretty simple. You don’t need to add any oil or butter because the fat from the hamburger will cook out and make its own “nonstick” liquid. After you brown the meat, drain out the grease in an empty can (not a beer can, unless you cut the top off that is going to be really messy. I would use a soup can.) DO NOT pour it down the drain. Basic chemistry lesson: the compounds in grease will solidify at room temperature or colder, aka the drain, and clog it up and then you will have to stare at a butt crack for the next 4 hours.

2. Pasta

Making pasta is probably one of the easiest and cheapest “real” meals you can make, and unless you are feeding a house full of boys it will probably last you a couple days. Everyone knows what spaghetti is, but my other favorites are penne, shells and the corkscrew pasta.
Here are the basics for boiling water: Get a big pot. Put a strainer in the sink. Fill the pot more than halfway but not quite ¾ way with water. Add a little salt. Turn on the burner. Watch it. Or at least be in the same room. Wait until the bubbles break the surface because if not, once you add the pasta, it’s going to stop boiling. When you are at a rolling boiling, kind of looks like river rapids, add the pasta, just pour it in, turn down the burner a little and separate the noodles with a fork or one of those fancy pasta scoopers which I doubt you have. You can put the lid on or not, I usually don’t because that fosters boiling over. Cook according to the package and then use oven mitts (Steam is hotter than you think) and drain. Rinse with cold water if you’d like.
Meanwhile…Get a saucepan and pour some marinara or alfredo sauce in or microwave it in a microwavable bowl. If you want to be fancy you can chop and sauté (that is cooking stuff in oil/butter over medium/low heat in a skillet) some mushrooms and onions and then put that in the sauce. Or see the hamburger helper section and put in browned meat.

Grate some cheese on top and some oregano/parsley/basil if you wanna be fancy…

It is also great for leftovers, just heat it up the next day or two or eat it cold. You can even put it in a sandwich. 

3. The Power of Bisquick

Bisquick is your best friend. You can make pancakes, waffles, biscuits, strawberry shortcake, and even fried chicken. The recipes are on the back of the box which is great! I recommend substituting buttermilk for milk in the pancakes and biscuits and especially trying the cheese-garlic biscuits but adding fresh garlic and chives into the mix instead of just brushing garlic butter on top. Also, make the drop biscuits because they are so much easier and quicker and you can just scoop the batter out with a spoon.They won't look like the picture but no one will care because they will taste fantastic.

4. Gourmet salads.
You may want to stick with iceberg lettuce and ranch if you are a picky eater.
lettuce: romaine, mesclun, spinach, arugula, kale
nuts/seeds: walnuts, hazelnuts, pecans, sliced almonds, sunflower seeds, etc.
dried fruit: dried cranberries, cherries, etc.
fresh fruit: blueberries, strawberries, mangoes, mandarin oranges, apples, etc.
cheese: gorgonzola, gruyere, blue cheese, feta
other veggies: tomatoes, avocado, carrots, red onions
meat: grilled sliced chicken, salmon, shrimp
dressings: balsamic vinaigrette, raspberry vinaigrette, Italian, poppy seed vinaigrette

I would pretty much just pick one from each category although you can experiment with your favorites. 
Here are some examples:
         -Mesculin and spinach with blackberries, nectarines, hazelnuts, feta and raspberry vinaigrette.
         -Romaine with salmon, sliced almonds, gruyere, apples and balsamic vinaigrette.
Congratulations. Now you have a spaghetti dinner with cheesy garlic biscuits, salad and brownies for dessert! Your friends will think you are a chef and thank you for filling their tummies with something other than ramen or cafeteria food.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing jerseys?

Why do women watch sports?

1. The guys. They say a woman loves a man in uniform, a sports uniform that is. Now there is some dispute of which sport takes the cake, but most would agree it is baseball players and their pants. While they may also be the biggest douchebags, they do have the nicest asses.

            What is even better is what’s under those outfits. Athletes no doubt have the best bodies. They’re fit, have high testosterone, and the endurance to carry you home (not in a creepy rapist way).
            Remember, even if their face is a 5, their body is a 20.
Hey Blake, mind if I do my laundry on your abs?

Now if a girl says that she doesn’t watch sports for the hot guys, she is lying. Or she’s a lesbian. Now, this may not be the only reason she watches sports, but it definitely is one of them, and if not, then she must be watching the WNBA or something.

2. THE guy. Sort of under the previous category is watching for a specific guy whether you are dating him or wish you were dating him. Girls think that guys will actually notice that they are amongst 10,000 other girls wearing their number or that the quarterback actually knows their name. No matter how many games you go to, that isn’t going to make him like you any more, it may even give you a creeper vibe, especially if you are going to every away tennis match or wear a shirt like Mrs. So and So and constantly post on his facebook wall, “Wow you played so great. you’re like so talented”

3. Because guys like sports. Just like girls laugh at guys even when they’re not funny, girls also pretend to like sports. Whether you are pretending or actually don’t know shit about sports guys like dumb bimbos because they can “teach them” and of course guys feel all masculine and what not. These girls don’t even know a first down from a first pitch and probably aren’t even rooting for the right team. (the ones in the blue, right?) These girls are annoying because they go to super bowl parties in their little cheerleading outfits and if they are wearing a jersey, they probably aren’t wearing any pants on underneath. These are the girls in high school who flocked the stadiums and courts in their high heels and hairspray and you can also find them later on in life courtside at NBA games. If you are gonna dress like a hoe to a sporting event, at least wear one of the team colors. And yes you just missed Kobe score all 81 of his points.

There are the few who actually enjoy watching sports. These are the girls who probably have brothers, play sports themselves or were boys in another life. Don’t get these girls confused with the ones who “think” they know about sports and just name drop random “celeb” athletes. This is usually pretty obvious when a guy brings up a sport and then a girl just gushes out random vague facts about any sport that ever existed, example being “OMG did you see Lebron James score that basket that one time in the championship game. Like omg that was so cool, he’s sooo good.” Uhh no one asked you about Lebron James and no shit he scored a basket, he is the only one on his team. Rule of thumb is, if you don’t know what you’re talking about just shut up.

The easiest way to learn to like sports is to learn the rules of the game. It’s a lot more entertaining when you actually know what’s going on. Why is everyone lined up watching that guy shoot?! Why don’t they just run up the middle?! All you have to do is google the rules, watch a couple games, pick your favorite player and bam, you’re hooked.
Now, channel your inner jersey (or cleat) chaser and go watch some sports, I promise it’s fun and if not, maybe you’ll meet some guys.

The End.

Friday, July 12, 2013

What's wrong with you?

Why are such good looking guys on the bachelorette? Red flag! Like why aren't you married already, you're beautiful on the outside so there must be something wrong on the inside.

Back to my 3 that were featured before, I am discovering why they haven't found love.

Chris. I'm sorry, but things just wouldn't work out with us. It's fine that you write poetry, but if you ever read me one of your sappy love poems, made me write one with you or let alone told me you loved me for the first a poem, I would probably jump off a cliff into the shark infested waters because that would be way more comfortable than sitting there listening to you. Like I know you've got the whole package: athletic and sensitive? But I'd rather date a meathead than an emo kid. Did you used to be in a band called Dashboard Confessional? Cuz I swear this is you...

Drew. "I've never felt this way before". I think because you are confused and you've had too many dicks up your butt to know what it's like to communicate with a girl. And if you "breaking out of your shell" is you giggling and blushing like a little boy who walked into the wrong locker room then I'd rather have you crawl back into that shell and come back out when you come out. Des, be careful about taking Drew to the fantasy suite, you might end up finding a kitty instead of a dog.

Juan Pablo. You are a hardcore Miami fan says all the posts on instagram.  You even went to Chris Bosh's wait how old are you again cuz you don't look 65 million years old so this pic must be photoshopped.
That may even be enough.  But posting selfies of you and your hot baby mama probably isn't the best way to attract a new lady either. Having a kid is enough, but if I have to deal with your daughter and your ex girlfriend, I'm saying, adios! But you're still muy guapisimo.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Fake it 'til you make it.

So, why is everyone obsessed with being tan?
Tan skin makes it so you are not mistaken for a ghost.

Tan skin makes you look skinner. 

Tan skin gives you a “glow” (don’t mistake this for Orange Glow, that is a cleaning product)

Tan skin makes it so you don’t have to shave your legs as often because your hair is closer to the color of your skin unless you’re Italian or some other hairy race, then your life just sucks! I think there is a Groupon for laser hair removal.

When I went to the salon I was bombarded with “health” reasons why I SHOULD tan. Tanning gives you vitamin D which minimizes depression, and makes your body absorb calcium better for stronger bones, nails and teeth. They left out the part where you can get cancer or become addicted and end up on My Strange Addiction: I’m addicted to tanning….and look like this…

Oregon also has the highest rate of tanning. Probably because there is 350 days of rain/clouds/depression. And even has a law banning kids under 18 from using tanning salons. Oh no now what are 15 year old girls supposed to do with their allowance? 

So I always thought that fake tanning was weird and scary because I watched a Final Destination movie and the girl got trapped in a tanning booth. Plus I assumed that you turned orange after watching the entire girl population at Jesuit come back from their “staycations”, orange. (turns out that only happens with spray tans).

But for some reason North Carolina had the coldest, rainiest year it had for a while, which happens to be when Oregon had its driest year. Plus even on the sunny days I didn’t feel like laying out in the middle of the quad in my swimsuit. So every day I got paler and paler. When I mentioned this at school people would say, oh well I’m paler than you…no shit you are Irish you are supposed to be fucking transparent. I am ethnic and I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be the same color as printer paper. My Spanish teacher even told me one day that I needed to go to student health because I looked pale and sick (this is also the teacher who thought Oregon is in the Midwest). It still hurt my feelings so stomped out of the room crying. No, actually she let me out of class early to go to student health but I just went back to my room and took a nap. Score.

I even resorted to using some Jergens gradual tanner, but it was streaky and just made me sparkle like Edward Cullen when I went outside or even in some classroom lighting.

When I got home for spring break, it was raining. Like it had been in the 70s the week before. But once my flight landed, BAM came the rain. So no hopes for tanning on spring break. All my friends who went to Florida or myrtle beach are going to be tan and beautiful and I am going to look like a corpse. Even my mom told me I looked sick. I actually hadn’t been sick since 1st semester. Thanks mom. She thought I looked so pale that she told me I could go to a tanning booth. So I found a tanning place, slathered on some JWOW tanning lotion and got myself my first fake tan. I came out a little pink in the face, but some color is better than none right?

So everything seemed to be going fine, and when I got back to school, I don’t think anyone even noticed, maybe they thought I actually went somewhere sunny for break. But since then, I actually get sun burnt. I have never gotten sunburnt in my life before this year. And I don’t wear sunscreen because it has a weird texture (I mean I’d rather die young of cancer than be a 90 year old vegetable).
The morning after a lacrosse round robin I officially joined the sunburn club.

And I ran out of lotion so I had to borrow some of my pale friend’s sunburn cream. Every pale person must keep a stock of aloe vera or cooling lotion so I was in luck that 13/16 girls on my hall were white!

Now that I am a member of the sunburn club I make sure to lather on lots of spf 5 Hawaiian tropic, splash water on myself and pretend I know how to swim.

So, if you decide to go fake tanning, it will not prevent you from getting sunburnt, in my case, it actually made me get more sunburnt. You are more likely to get cancer and die than people who do not tan at all. You are more likely to die from tanning booth related accidents.

But, unless you want to be in the next remake of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, I suggest skipping the spray tan.