Friday, July 12, 2013

What's wrong with you?

Why are such good looking guys on the bachelorette? Red flag! Like why aren't you married already, you're beautiful on the outside so there must be something wrong on the inside.

Back to my 3 that were featured before, I am discovering why they haven't found love.

Chris. I'm sorry, but things just wouldn't work out with us. It's fine that you write poetry, but if you ever read me one of your sappy love poems, made me write one with you or let alone told me you loved me for the first time...in a poem, I would probably jump off a cliff into the shark infested waters because that would be way more comfortable than sitting there listening to you. Like I know you've got the whole package: athletic and sensitive? But I'd rather date a meathead than an emo kid. Did you used to be in a band called Dashboard Confessional? Cuz I swear this is you...

Drew. "I've never felt this way before". I think because you are confused and you've had too many dicks up your butt to know what it's like to communicate with a girl. And if you "breaking out of your shell" is you giggling and blushing like a little boy who walked into the wrong locker room then I'd rather have you crawl back into that shell and come back out when you come out. Des, be careful about taking Drew to the fantasy suite, you might end up finding a kitty instead of a dog.



Juan Pablo. You are a hardcore Miami fan says all the posts on instagram.  You even went to Chris Bosh's wedding...so wait how old are you again cuz you don't look 65 million years old so this pic must be photoshopped.
That may even be enough.  But posting selfies of you and your hot baby mama probably isn't the best way to attract a new lady either. Having a kid is enough, but if I have to deal with your daughter and your ex girlfriend, I'm saying, adios! But you're still muy guapisimo.


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