Thursday, July 11, 2013

Fake it 'til you make it.

So, why is everyone obsessed with being tan?
Tan skin makes it so you are not mistaken for a ghost.

Tan skin makes you look skinner. 

Tan skin gives you a “glow” (don’t mistake this for Orange Glow, that is a cleaning product)

Tan skin makes it so you don’t have to shave your legs as often because your hair is closer to the color of your skin unless you’re Italian or some other hairy race, then your life just sucks! I think there is a Groupon for laser hair removal.

When I went to the salon I was bombarded with “health” reasons why I SHOULD tan. Tanning gives you vitamin D which minimizes depression, and makes your body absorb calcium better for stronger bones, nails and teeth. They left out the part where you can get cancer or become addicted and end up on My Strange Addiction: I’m addicted to tanning….and look like this…

Oregon also has the highest rate of tanning. Probably because there is 350 days of rain/clouds/depression. And even has a law banning kids under 18 from using tanning salons. Oh no now what are 15 year old girls supposed to do with their allowance? 

So I always thought that fake tanning was weird and scary because I watched a Final Destination movie and the girl got trapped in a tanning booth. Plus I assumed that you turned orange after watching the entire girl population at Jesuit come back from their “staycations”, orange. (turns out that only happens with spray tans).

But for some reason North Carolina had the coldest, rainiest year it had for a while, which happens to be when Oregon had its driest year. Plus even on the sunny days I didn’t feel like laying out in the middle of the quad in my swimsuit. So every day I got paler and paler. When I mentioned this at school people would say, oh well I’m paler than you…no shit you are Irish you are supposed to be fucking transparent. I am ethnic and I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be the same color as printer paper. My Spanish teacher even told me one day that I needed to go to student health because I looked pale and sick (this is also the teacher who thought Oregon is in the Midwest). It still hurt my feelings so stomped out of the room crying. No, actually she let me out of class early to go to student health but I just went back to my room and took a nap. Score.

I even resorted to using some Jergens gradual tanner, but it was streaky and just made me sparkle like Edward Cullen when I went outside or even in some classroom lighting.

When I got home for spring break, it was raining. Like it had been in the 70s the week before. But once my flight landed, BAM came the rain. So no hopes for tanning on spring break. All my friends who went to Florida or myrtle beach are going to be tan and beautiful and I am going to look like a corpse. Even my mom told me I looked sick. I actually hadn’t been sick since 1st semester. Thanks mom. She thought I looked so pale that she told me I could go to a tanning booth. So I found a tanning place, slathered on some JWOW tanning lotion and got myself my first fake tan. I came out a little pink in the face, but some color is better than none right?

So everything seemed to be going fine, and when I got back to school, I don’t think anyone even noticed, maybe they thought I actually went somewhere sunny for break. But since then, I actually get sun burnt. I have never gotten sunburnt in my life before this year. And I don’t wear sunscreen because it has a weird texture (I mean I’d rather die young of cancer than be a 90 year old vegetable).
The morning after a lacrosse round robin I officially joined the sunburn club.

And I ran out of lotion so I had to borrow some of my pale friend’s sunburn cream. Every pale person must keep a stock of aloe vera or cooling lotion so I was in luck that 13/16 girls on my hall were white!

Now that I am a member of the sunburn club I make sure to lather on lots of spf 5 Hawaiian tropic, splash water on myself and pretend I know how to swim.

So, if you decide to go fake tanning, it will not prevent you from getting sunburnt, in my case, it actually made me get more sunburnt. You are more likely to get cancer and die than people who do not tan at all. You are more likely to die from tanning booth related accidents.

But, unless you want to be in the next remake of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, I suggest skipping the spray tan.

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